🤣 Have you heard the one about...

cider_and_toast

Exulted Lord High Moderator of the Apex
Staff member
Premium Contributor
My mum dosn't believe in SATNAV so she's had a map of the UK tatood on her back.

It's a crazy idea but at least I'll always know where I am with her.

:)
 

Jen

Here be dragons.
Contributor
Two nuns driving through Transylvania when suddenly Dracula alights on the bonnet.

One nun screams to the other "quick, show him your cross!"

Seconds later, a mighty roar "Get off my ****ing car"
 

Jen

Here be dragons.
Contributor
How do you stop moles digging in your garden?

Hide their spades!

The old ones are the best
 

cider_and_toast

Exulted Lord High Moderator of the Apex
Staff member
Premium Contributor
Returning from the British Grand Prix a chap was pulled over by a police car.

The policeman politley enquired to the bemused driver

"Excuse me sir, Do you realise that you wife fell out of the car about 2 miles back?"

The driver replied

"thank christ for that, I thought I'd gone deaf"

:)
 

Penske666

Rookie
Schumi and Alonso are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent.
Both go to sleep. Alonso wakes up in the middle of the night.
Schumi isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent.
Alonso peeps out and sees Schumi running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him...
Alonso: Run faster, he's gonna catch you!
Schumi: Don't worry, I lead by three laps...

Stolen joke but reight funny
 

Porceliamone

This cost me a tenner, but so L'Oreal.
Contributor
I think only the Brits will get this one, so apologies to any of our international members.

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Biggish...

Biggish who?

No thank you, I bought one earlier.
 

Penske666

Rookie
Four Formula 1 fans climb on a mountain, one fan of Jos Verstappen, one fan of Mika Hakkinen,
one fan of David Couldhard and one fan of Michael Schumacher.
They all say they are the best fan of their favourite.
When the are on the top, Jos his fan jumps of the mountain and screams: This is for Verstappen !!!
Then David his fan jumps after him and screams: This is for Coulthard !!!
Then Hakkinen his fan takes the Schumacher-fan and throws him of the mountain and he screams:
This is for the whole world !!!
 

cider_and_toast

Exulted Lord High Moderator of the Apex
Staff member
Premium Contributor
A chicken walks past a duck waiting at the edge of the pavement to cross the road.

The Chicken turns to the duck and says

"I wouldn't bother mate, I did that once and I've never heard the end of it"

lol
 

markxero

Rookie
heh - I heard that Big Issue one on Peter Kay too... :p

An egg and a sausage are sitting in the frying pan. the sausage turns to the egg and says "Hot in here isn't it?"

The egg replies "**** me! A talking sausage!"
 
G

Guest

Guest
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .












'What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!'
 

slickskid

Points Scorer
Supporter
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
 

Carter

Rookie
Jokes to offend everyone:

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit
 

Brogan

🦶 Leg end
Staff member
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the local insane asylum when he hears the residents chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!".
Quite curious about this he finds a hole in the fence, approaches it and looks in.
Someone inside promptly pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!".
 

Brogan

🦶 Leg end
Staff member
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour came out to me and said "Are you going to help?"

I just looked at him and replied "No, I think six should be enough."
 

Galahad

Not a Moderator
Valued Member
I really don't get on with my mother-in-law.

She said "When you die I'm going to dance on your grave".

"No problem" I said, "I'm going to be buried at sea"

((C) Les Dawson c.1975)
 
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