The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[Road of Bones]

From: "the Chaps"
To: Dan Wheldon

Really sorry to find you're here too early. We'll hold off on the gallows humour 'til you've settled in.

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Kolles, Colin
To: Fernandes, Tony; Branson Richard

Dear Sirs

I'm writing on behalf of Guiness to inform you that the F1 teams you own have both become record holders and been added to our files. Record breakers in what I hear you say? Well you both jointly hold the record for the most races for an F1 team without scoring a point.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA - bet you regret not letting us race at Australia now don't ya? Losers! Their red, their black their always at the back! The Virgin Team! The Virgin Team!

Hey Fernandes - your drivers hot laps are about as hot as the food you serve on one of your planes

Kind regards

Colin Kolles

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Coloni, Enzo
To: Kolles, Christian; Fernandes, Tony; Branson, Richard; Booth, John
Sub: Records

Dear Sirs,

I have been researching this issue for a number of years now, and I can confirm that a DNQ or even DNPQ actually makes you worse than a failure to score points. Therefore, Mr. Kolles, you cannot claim to be better in any way to the 1.Malaysia Team Lotus squad.

However, your right to thumb your nose at Virgin is guaranteed by their continual insistance on finishing behind HRT in the Championships despite being noticably superior.

Yours,

Enzo Coloni

PS. I sold my cars to Andrea Moda. There'll always be someone to make you look good!

 

[Jen]

From: Hamilton, Lewis
To: Dear Deidre at the Sun

Deidre

My girlfriend and I have recently split up after 4 wonderful years. We used to travel the world together in pursuit of my work and were virtually inseparable. She was a great companion and steadying influence and, as a consequence, I shone at my work.

We are still good friends but I do miss her terribly and, I have to say, my work has suffered as a result.

Any tips on putting all this behind me and regaining my focus on driving as well as I did before would be gratefully received.

Broken-hearted, Lewis

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Lewis

Getting over a long term realtionship is one of the hardest things to do and it is no surpise that your work has slumped because of it. You mention that you travelled together and I'm sure with her no longer there you are constantly remindered of the pain. Have you tried travelling with someone else so that you won't miss her as much. Maybe you have a close friend or relative that would be willing to travel with you?

I do not follow sport much so have no really knowledge of your or tips to give you on techniques to improve however I google imaged you and I must say you look remarkabley like that lovely athlete Colin Jackson. He never had any women problems that put a downer on his performance. Why don't you try to be like him?

The only advice I can give you is to make sure your sourrounded by people who support you in your work place. Make sure you have team who are soley focused on you and I'm sure the skill level will come back. Seek out their advice and confide in them and I'm sure results will improve. Alternatively you could just strop around like a grumpy teenager all weekend so everyone asks "whats his problem?" and then when they all find out about the split they'll all have massive sympathey for you without actually trying to find out the full story.

Kind Regards

Dedrie

P.S: if all that fails have you tried giving Rhianna one?

 

[teabagyokel]

Lewis,

I can't understand you. One minute you want to use the "Vodafone McLaren Mercedes Media Avoidance Protocol", the next you are writing in to what Ron calls "sub-eloquent" newspapers.

Anyway, point is, we want to know if we need to sue the Sun for disclosing your identity on the Agony Aunt page. Obviously, we wouldn't go ahead without the consent of our prize asset number 1 2 1 2 1 2 3 racing driver.

And, as to your last correspondence, we can't sue Senna for calling you a lowlife, because he is dead. The law won't claim those e-mails as evidence since they say its a hoax.

Thanks,

Martin

PS. And if anyone is to be annoyed at e-mails from dead Grand Prix drivers, you should see what Riccardo Patrese has been recieving from James Hunt...

 

[Jos the Boss]

Dear Rihanna

Fancy going out tonight? You know just 2 mates having a drink? And me and Nicole are over so... you know?

Lewis xxxxxxxxx

 

[Slyboogy]

Dear Lewis

I will not let you stand under my umbrella get me? Eh? eh? eh? Oh na na wassa ma name, wassa ma name wassa ma name? It would also help if you would "Shut up and Drive" but I see you are not doing that currently, maybe you need to look at one of the Pussycat Dolls song called "When I grow up" as that's what I believe you need to do.

P.S I am going over to Jenson Button's he's Head and Shoulders above the rest.

Rihanna, wassa ma name?

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Michibata, Jessica
To: Rihanna
Cc: Button, Jenson; Hamilton, Lewis
Sub: Recent comments

Back off!

 

[Jos the Boss]

From: Shakira
To: Rihanna, Jessica Michibata, Lewis Hamilton

Well at least my hips don't lie and Lewis I would love to have a drink with you, but nothing more my Pique wouldn't like that, even though I did see you in the crowd at singapore!

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Guardiola, Pep
To: Hamilton, Lewis
Subj: Shakira (Shakira)

Lewis,

What's blue, red and yellow and always winning? Well, Red Bull-Renault is one answer, but somewhat unsurprisingly I was thinking of FC Barcelona.

I will do anything to keep my team happy, and this includes my defender Gerard Pique. Although, by some oversight, I'm still picking him despite the fact he's not a midfielder, by the holiness of St. Xavi I will make sure he is happy in order to indulge in the multitudes of sideways passing we will utilise until we give Messi the ball and see what happens.

Yes, I am giving my tactics away, but seriously, who's going to stop me? That Portuguese eye-poking skulldugger? He's too busy getting himself in the papers!

Anyway, for Pique to be a useful sideways passer, he needs to be happy. So I am writing to you to warn you away from the one they call Shakira, who for some reason seems to keep him smiling despite her complete lack of turtle-neck jumpers and an attractive beard.

Good luck with that motor racing stuff you do, my good friend Cesc was at the Spanish Grand Prix this year, and he says he enjoyed your hunting down of that Vettel chap. I'm more disappointed, however, because as Cesc knows, when we hunt someone down, we get them eventually.

Kind regards,

Pep

 

[Jen]

From: Hamilton, Lewis
To: Guardiola, Pep
Subject: Shakira

Hi Peps

Not too hot on the football thing - a bit slow and a team sport - not up my street.

I realise that you are all nearly as well paid as me but that isn't enough to cut it with the girls. I have received a positive response from the lady in question and we have fixed a date for a drink.

best wishes

Lewis

 

[Jos the Boss]

From: Sir Alex Ferguson
To: Pep Guardiola
CC: We get who we want

Whats Red and has help from the men in charge? Well one of those answers would be Ferrari. The other Man United but sadly for you, Wayne is ours and he's much better than that Pedro kid. Many of our fans where watching the Korean GP the other week and they were not very happy with that Vettel kid. They say that 'Kamui Kobayashi is asia hewo, twesaured man and wike Park Ji Sung is gweat, wike wowwipops' I'm not completly sure but lollipops? I dont know.

Yours truly
Sir Alex

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Sutil, Adrian
To: Mallaya, Vijay

Why?

 

[FB]

From the Desk of Vijay Mallya​

Dear Andy Stevenson​

Congratulations on finally getting rid of "Slasher" our hair dressing costs had quadrupled during the time he was with the team and we simply couldn't afford this anymore. Get someone who doesn't have a blow wave next time.​

Vijay
​

 

[Slyboogy]

From: The Special One
To: Pep Guardiola

You make me laugh, The Special One is The Special One...You should look at this team talk, this is how I turned my team into Champions at Chelsea, until Abramovich had his way and got me out.

Just for you my friend...

Be Champions!
The Special One

 

[Slyboogy]

From: Sutil, Adrian
To: Mallaya, Vijay

Why?

From: Mallaya, Vijay
To: Sutil, Adrian

Why not?

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Chandhok, Karun
To: Fernandes, Tony
Cc: Chandhok, Vicky
Sub: You Promised!

Tony,

Please let me have the seat. You did promise.

Karun.

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: Karun Chandok
From: Tony Fernandes

Well Jarno got off the island didn't he? If he was still there you would of had the season, remember? Thats why you had Germany. I'm sorry.

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Chandhok, Karun
To: Trulli, Jarno

Hey Jarno,

Why don't we hold one of those Lotus employee days, you know where we have a hike. Meet you in the middle of nowhere (or possibly Wales) Tomorrow!

Love

Karun!