The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[F1Yorkshire]

From: Hisronship@MTC.com
To: Fernando.3tenths.Alonso@Ferrari.com

Greetings and salutation Fernando.

Due to the increasing complex media interest in the proposed contractual negotiations, I fully agree with you that we will need to ensure all future telecommunications are encoded in a manner so that they will be undecipherable to the common layman.

Also I think it would be highly advisable if you refrain from using your Ferrari electronic mail service whilst in communication with myself or any other person at the Woking based centre of technology.

Regards

Don Rennis

 

[RasputinLives]

From:Fernando.NotfromFerrari@googlemail.com
To:Hisronship@MTC.com

Hi 'Don'

I have switched to the suggested new email address in order to not attract attention.

Heard someone say it looks like next years 'red car' (nudge nudge wink wink) was put together by monkeys. I have assigned agent 'Redro Ba Dosa' (nudge nudge wink wink) to locate these monkeys. Having recently seen Dawn of the Planet of the Apes I believe its best we start there.

Also been told that 'Kim' from the 'Red Car' would be willing to come in on the deal for a whole load of cash. He needs it all in change though so he can fill up his Scrouge McDuck style money swimming pool.

Lots of love.

Dernando (nudge nudge)

 

[cider_and_toast]

From: Marko-H@Highasakite.org.RB

To: SebV@RedBullFerrari.com

Subject: Staff Tea Room

Seb,

Since you've decided to turn your back on the team that gave you 4 championships and supported you through thick and thin, I'm just writing to let you know, you will no longer be able to use the staff tea room.

Yours.

Mr Marko.

 

[Fenderman]

To: SebV@RedBullFerrari.com

From: Marko-H@Highasakite.org.RB

Subject: Staff Tea Room

Dear Mr Marko

Very many thanks for your permission to take tea breaks elsewhere. No offense but, I was much fed up with mugs of Mobil 1, for sure.

Yours,

Seb

 

[Jen]

To: SebV
From: Iris

Dearest Seb

There is always the 'course' tea tent.

I have been in charge for over 40 years and would welcome your presence whenever you have a thirst for tea and/or gossip.

Just ask and someone within the tent will tell you what is going on!

A great fan

Iris xx

 

[Fenderman]

To: Iris
From: SebV

Dear Iris,

Mmm, course tea ...

Have we met?

Seb

 

[Jen]

To: SebV
From: Iris

Have you got the spelling of 'course' right, my love?

Iris

 

[Fenderman]

To: Iris
From: SebV

Dear Iris,

Dunno. It just sounded interesting. Can I get it without the tent?

Seb

 

[Jen]

To: SebV
From:Iris

Dearest Seb

What are you seeking?

Truth, enlightenment, gossip, tea, etc . All can be found outdoors, if that is your desire!

Iris

 

[cider_and_toast]

From: 1MalaysiaTeamCaterhamSportLtd@theadministrator.com

To: Bernie@TheFOMBunker.org.F1

HELP !!!!!

 

[teabagyokel]

From: minion@TheFOMBunker.org.F1
To: 1MalaysiaTeamCaterhamSportLtd@theadministrator.com

Dear Sirs,

His Eccleship has instructed me to inform you of F1 management's policy on teams who are classified, by His almighty chart, as either "expendable" or "shit". As you meet the requirements of both categories, He sees your demise as a necessary step to three car teams, and in fact intends to hasten it.

He would like to offer his congratulations to you for lasting longer than USF1 and HRT, although He suspects there are orang-utan native to Malaysia who would be able to do that.

Kind regards,

Minion

 

[cider_and_toast]

From: 1MalaysiaTeamCaterhamSportLtd@theadministrator.com

automatically generated message

This e-mail account is temporarily unavailable

Your message will not be forwarded

For further details contact cash-and-go insolvency ltd

 

[cider_and_toast]

From chrisandgeri@spiceworld.rbr.com
To Bernie@TheFOMBunker.org.F1

Bernie, mate, old friend,

You remember when we at RBR were winning everything and you said if we voted for every idea you had you'd see us right and never let us down. You know, and you said Ferrari was yesterdays news and we were the new stars of F1 and how you had been wrong to back the red menace for so long. Well, call me Mr Fussy if you will but it's time to back up your words with actions. It seems we've got into a bit of a pickle trying to catch Mercedes and now Sebs lost faith and buggered off to Italy. How about you come good on that promise of a little help and get those engine regs unfreezed eh, me old matey. We wouldn't want the tale of how we've spent the last four years blocking every attempt to cost control at your behest making it into the public domain now would we. I mean, don't get me wrong, we're not trying to blackmail you or anything, Lord knows you've been through the ringer yourself on that subject so come on eh? just do us this one thing.

Yours, your long standing friend and supporter.

Christian.

 

[Jen]

To: christian@rbr.com
From: me

Chris, you have an unpleasant tendency to snivel. Not a problem, we all do at some stage, but not in public please - always unpleasant and degrading. A brave and defiant face is always more appealing to the churls!

All of us make agreements and pacts; and all renege at some stage. Especially in F1 - it is the way of business here.

You did what you were asked to do, I didn't necessarily. Seb did his best for 4 years, then the team let him down - no wonder he wants to move on.

There is always someone to blame, real or imagined and I can only hope that Ginger still has faith in you. Should that be the case, I will look forward to receiving my invitation to your next wedding.

best regards

BE (the silver elf, a warm name I like to give myself!)

 

[cider_and_toast]

from christianandgeri@legalnotbendy.com
to seb@freeagent.com.it

Dearest Seb,

What can I say, for 5 years we have been like father and son, you've been the cream in my coffee, the jam in my donut and made going to work each day that little bit special. I am so sorry it had to end like this. We tried, we really tried, we bent every rule in the book (if you'll pardon the pun) to help you take the title this year. We even hired another Aussie for you to beat since Mark had decided he'd had enough. What more could we have done. I tucked you in every night, read you a story and sat and watched you until you were safely asleep. I cried for you, I lied for you I even said I would have died for you. Oh, sorry, I'm having difficulty typing through the tears. I think the other love of my life put it best when she sang "I tell you what I want, what I really really want, I want a huh, I want a huh, I really really want a zig-a-zig-ah". Until now I had no idea what that meant but I realise Seb, you were my zig-a-zig-ah. You know there will always be a place in my heart and my team for you.

Love and cuddles now and forever more.

Christian.

PS - Next season you are dead to me you treacherous bastard !!!

 

[teabagyokel]

From: sv5@maranello.it
To: itsupport@maranello.it

Hi,

Thanks for getting me on the system so quickly, especially since Pedro was ahead of me in the queue.

I was wondering if there was a block function on the mail, say for e-mails from Milton Keynes with "Yeah, no" in the subject line.

Anyway, off to spend some time with Violetta. Ciao.

Seb.

 

[F1Yorkshire]

From: Ron@McLaren.com
To: Worldwide F1 Media.

After announcing that we would be having a board meeting determining when we would sit down and discuss when we would announce the upcoming driving line up for the season of 2015 we have finally determined that the aforementioned announcement will come on Thursday the 11th of December 2014.

In this announcement we will be publishing the findings as determined from the Ronatron 2000. This method of choosing which driver line up is the most satisfactory for our team was chosen as it would ensure that the proposed line up does meet all of the pre-determined variables as required for the successful pairing of two drivers.

Ron

 

[Jen]

To: Ron
From: worldwide F1 media

Are you sure?

 

[teabagyokel]

From: le_Eric@mtc.gb
To: support@honda.com
Subject: the seal

Dear Honda,

Zat seal you ave supplied for ze car is, how you say, un stinkee pile of merde on ze shoe of ze Mac Claren. Please replace eet or else ze car weel be slowair zan ze Finnish national championsheeps for ostentatious emotion.

Regardé-vous,

Eric

 

[Jen]

From: Honda
To: le_Eric@mtc.gb

Kuso kurae