Rooting Today

Discussion in 'Clip The Apex Presents...' started by Fenderman, May 19, 2011.

  1. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Rooters News ......... LATEST RUMOUREPORT .......... Rooters News

    The rumour mill is running hot with the revelation that the F1 technical working group has just about ironed out all the problems related to the long awaited Constant Radius Tunnel Racing Formula 1 (CRTRF1). Circuit designer, Tilke, has completed the design of the first track to be erected in Trafalgar Square, London, England. This will be the very first state of the art space saving circuit with the entire track on the inside of a 3km circumference tube. The starting grid will form in Pall Mall to enable cars to enter the tube at the requisite speed to enable their aerodynamic devices to "stick" the cars to the track when upside down.

    The sticking point with drafting the rules was, apparently, around the difficulty of apportioning blame in the event of a car detatching from the track and falling onto a car below. This has been resolved by utilising the custom and practice applied to the road - i.e. the following car will be deemed to be at fault if it collides with a car in front. One other issue, raised we believe by one Martin Whitmarsh, was related to an accusation that another team had perfected a flexible armrest that would give an unfair advantage to that teams drivers. The CRTRF1FIA have confirmed that such devices will not be tolerated. The other team seemed somewhat put out as it means a complete redesign of the cockpit for their 2031 season challenger.:)

    Rooters Technical Division (A department of Rooters International News Agency)8-)
     
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  3. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    HOT PRESSED TROUSERS

    It seems that Dr Costa is being brought in from MotoGP to check out a newly recognised health condition affecting the modern F1 driver. A body of evidence is accumulating as a result of reports from drivers GP's (General Practitioners) that their patients are increasingly exhibiting signs of a condition known as "Stubby Finger".

    Dr Costa has been recruited due to his experience of dealing with injuries sustained by MGP riders, often resulting in the amputation of "Pinkies". Although he has only been on board for about five minutes his initial analysis suggests that the increasing number of buttons on an F1 car steering wheel is at the heart of the problem. The thousands of button presses executed over an F1 race weekend appear to be shortening drivers digits by a massive 0.0003nm. Thankfully, F1 racers careers are relatively short so medical experts have reached a concensus that few drivers if any will have fingers disappear over their lifetimes.

    However, exercising the precautionary principle drivers Michael Schumacher and Rubens Barrichello have been advised to take extra care to press their buttons as gently as possible - particularly at this weekends Monaco GP - which is known to be particularly gruelling for the index digit. This may explain the said drivers relative lack of performance when compared to their younger counterparts and it will be interesting to see if this gulf in performance widens into a "chasm" on Sunday.

    Commenting on these revelations Schumacher and Barrichello both said that they were unconcerned and that neither planned to retire anytime soon as their pensions are worthless due to insurance companies losing most of their money in dodgy investments.

    Rooters Health & Fitness Weekly (A division of Rooters International News Agency)8-)
     
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  4. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    HOT OFF THE PRESS!

    A new scandal is set to rock the very foundations of motorsport worldwide. It has come to light that a secret society has been infiltrating the companies that provide the television coverage of major sporting events. Motorsport has been particularly hit by this nefarious organisation, an organisation that has managed to stay under the radar for two decades despite mounting evidence in the full gaze of the viewing public. A whistle blowing insider insists that his/her motives for the revelations are purely in the public interest and have nothing to do with the €2.5m reportedly paid for the story.

    According to the source, a small group of still photographers, disenfranchised by the rapid growth of alternatives to printed media (i.e. television, video and laptops), decided to fight back and have insidiously wormed their way into all levels of television production and management. The consequence is that skilled moving image camera persons have largely disappeared. Rumours have been circulating for some time that many have been abducted, suffered sudden and mysterious illnesses and in some cases fallen victim to inexplicable accidents.

    The source claims that these rumours are true and that the plan has been to take over the entire medium in order to impose still photography on the public in an age where no-one else wants to stand still. The evidence, he/she says becomes immediately clear to anyone once they have been alerted to the problem. The whistleblower further claims that this weekends Monaco Grand Prix will provide ample proof and provided this "judge for yourself" methodology:

    1) Count how many times the camera zooms in on one car rather than panning back to capture impending on track action involving more than one car.

    2) Count the number of times the director cuts away from impending on track action to show a number of people looking at themselves on the TV monitor because the director has cut away from the on track action

    3) Count how many overtaking maneouvres are missed by the director whilst his still photographer posing as a camera person holds a racers dad, wife, girlfriend, mother, manager, engineer, team boss or brother in shot.

    4) Count how many times the director cuts to a shot from a camera affixed to the side of a car that only shows you part of the suspension and front wheel whilst everything else is a blur.

    5) Finally, count the number of laps where the camera persons keep a car framed in such a way that it may just as well be parked.

    Apparently there are other indicators but the source refuses to divulge these since the exposure of this specialist knowledge would betray his/her identity.

    Acme News Agency Ltd (a Rooters International News Agency company) 8-)
     
  5. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Update

    War is looming in Europe for the first time in a decade. Snodland, upset by the diplomatic snootiness of the regime occupying the Cote D' Azore have approached the UK government for support to establish a pan European coalitiion. Sources at the UN also report that the Snodland ambassador to the UN has tabled a motion calling for the imposition of sanctions upon the uppity Monarchy. The motion cites "continuous and unabated assaults" on the senses of the peoples of the principality and that these assaults constitute "Crimes against Humanity". When asked by our intrepid reporter to explain the nature of these crimes the ambassador replied "A certain Bernie Ecclestone is called in by the ruling elite on an annual basis to suppress dissent. Mr Ecclestone brings in hundreds of his mercenaries who then subject the region to a caccophony of screaming engine noise designed to scramble the brain via the sheer volume and mindwarping frequencies of the sound.

    Ecclestone's mercenaries have been in the territory for the past few days. Roads have been closed off to the people with barricades erected and the deafening torture already underway. The technique employed appears to be highly tactical. The people are lulled into a false sense of security and then subjected to bouts of aural punishment lasting anything up to an hour and a half at a time. Bizarrely, reports suggest that the native inhabitants of Monaco disappear completely whilst this goes on and that people from all over the world arrive by sea and air to witness this annual blitz on the senses. When this fact was put to the Snodland ambassador to the UN his reply was a curt "Each to their own".

    Regional Economic Collonial Trans-Atlantic Lines (a Rooters International News Agency agency)8-)
     
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  6. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    In an unrelated story, in Upper Snodland yesterday, archaeologists have unearthed a fossilised bone of a humanoid. Initial study suggests that the bone appears to be some 450,000 years old and is believed to be a tibia of a Snodus Snodlandii. Snod as a species of homo-erectus are believed to have died out as a result of rapid climate change brought on by their intensive farming of sheep.

    Archaeological Research Spotters Empirical (a division of Rooters International News Agency Agency Agency)8-)
     
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  7. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    News Alert!!!!!!!

    Snodland has officially withdrawn all protestations, representations, disputations and railways stations with regard to all territorial, dictatorial and editorial stuff against ... Monaco. This follows a dictat from somewhere or other emphasising in the strongest possible terms that they should, in the words of an unnamed and unvarifiable source, "shut up".

    Richard E Arbarthnott-Romain, Extra News Digest (a sub-division of a sub-division of Rooters Irrational News Agency Ltd) 8-)
     
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  8. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    HOT NEWS!!

    Slyboogy21 today issued a denial that he was working on a story which would shake the F1 establishment. He said in statement released to Rooters International moments ago:
    Rumours of a counter denial to the original denial, have been ... denied.

    Rooters 8-)
     
  9. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Hot off the music press

    Osmosis are set for a reunion gig at the Hammersmith Odeon ... correction ... Hammersmith Flyover. THeir eclectic mix of jazz, reggae, two-tone, ska, rock, blues, funk, rag-time and psychedelic hip-hop boogie grabbed the hipped out, sandal shod, sky watching masses in the late sixties early seventies. Lead singer Angel Sky Love Dancing-Socks said "our only worry is that our fan base may be senile or dead. But hey, it's a gig!"

    New Musical Expresso (a division of ......... yup Rooters) 8-)
     
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  10. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Dateline 28th May 2011. Rooters Newswire

    Monaco Grand Prix Qualifying - Conspiracy Theorists Have Field Day - Exclusive

    Once again, behind closed doors, under the carpet and in the closet, Formula One is in turmoil. With more vibrations than a slick on a rumble strip, murmurs are gradually rippling through the sports backrooms. This time it is a new accusation extremely rare in the world of F1. The story concerns the mysterious release from pit lane of a driver as another driver from another team crossed the start line to commence his one and only flying lap.

    F1 afficianado's have become familiar with a process that has been custom and practise for at least two decades. Rooters own F1 correspondent interviewed Mr Winston Wheevil, an analyst for a leading motorsports supply company. He explained, "We refer of course to the use of computers and, in particular, live telemetry to analyse all aspects of a team's positions and performances on track and that of their opposition. It's standard practise, now, for teams to use tracker software to understand where competitors are at any one time and how that will affect a team's own drivers when optimising the timing of pit stops. This is to ensure their drivers retain or improve track position. It's also well known to the discerning public, not just people like us who work in the business, that this methodology is applied to timing the release of a driver from the pits into a suitable gap in traffic to give him "clean air" for his pole shot in qualifying, not just track position in races.".

    The implication and the subsequent rumour rumbling through the backstreets is that a certain team knowingly released their number two driver at a time when they would have been fully aware that this would interfere with the flying lap of the driver from an opposing team. Suspicions are further raised by the fact that the alleged perpetrators of the offence were aware, as were the entire F1 fraternity and millions of television viewing public, that the driver they would impede was hotly tipped to take pole position for tomorrows Monaco Grand Prix.

    No one from either team were willing to talk to Rooters since we have, justifiably, a reputation for spreading spurious rumours and misinformation (with tiny grains of truth embedded). However, it was interesting overhearing the press conferences from a distance - we are barred from official media events - that one person who may have benefitted from the situation, the alleged offending teams number one driver, said "... the grid is not representative .... Amilton was fastest and ought to have been on pole. Iss all mixed up"

    Rooters expects this story to run and run. In the meantime our sources report that this years Drivers World Championship will be wrapped up by next week as soon as the deal has been rubber stamped.

    Rooters International Newts Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)
     
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  11. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Dateline 29th May 2011 - Rooters INA Update

    Interviewed earlier today, about a minute ago, Axle Tramp, reknowned independent correspondent reported:

    "It seems "Mikey" is also planning a Toll Booth at the Tunnel exit - for German and Spanish drivers only. I guess they'd better make sure they have some small change in their pockets before the start...."

    More later.

    Rooters, blah di blah di blah Agency blah8-)
     
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  12. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Dateline 29th May 2011 - Rooters INA Update

    Interviewed earlier today, about 19 minutes ago, Axle Tramp, reknowned independent correspondent reported:

    "NONSENSE and LUNACY?

    Todays so-called 'Race...'

    :twisted:"

    Rooters agree.8-)

    More later.

    Rooters, blah di blah di blah Agency blah8-) With a mind like yours I don't need mine:thinking:
     
  13. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Dateline 29th May 2011 - Rooters INA Update

    Todays Monaco GP has thrown up the usual F1 world controversy with claim and counter claim burning the airwaves (or is that the ear lobes). However, according to an F1 insider we have learnt one thing new today. The source reports that, according to the BBC commentary team the rule regarding the boundaries of the race track have mysteriously been rewritten, he said "Until todays race custom and practise has been for drivers to pop two wheels over a curb when taking a corner. Apparently that is now illegal. It is no longer necessary for all four wheels to cross the white line for a car to be deemed to have exited the boundaries of the track."

    A case in point is the incident concerning Paul di Resta where he was penalised for causing an avoidable accident. One of the commentators remarked that di Resta could not expect to pull off a pass by driving across the kerb, where upon the other stated that that maneouvre would be against the rules. Anyone familiar with Loews Hairpin will know that to have all four wheels inside of the kerb would require the car to be mounted half way up the armco.

    Our source added "apparently, at Monaco, having your car bumped to one side because your opponent had no awareness that the car that has been sitting just alongside since crossing the start line is going to stay there into Ste Devote is no defense against this rule"

    Rooters, blah di blah di blah Agency blah8-)
     
  14. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Dateline 29th May 2011 - Rooters INA Update

    We have just been informed that having all four wheels crossing the white line delineating the race track from areas that are not the race track is perfectly legal if the car is predominently red.

    Rooters, blah di blah di blah Agency blah8-)
     
  15. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    PRESS RELEASE

    From everyone at Rooters International Freedom of the Involuntary Press Group ( a division of we don't need to tell you, do we?)

    The entire staff owe a debt of gratitude to Messr's Brogan and Keke the King for providing this wonderful platform for, and prompting the release of, creative and expansive thinking by way of that wonderful, ancient artform, the written word. We suspect that, not only would this not be tolerated elsewhere, but that this glorious explosion of creative thought and deed would be severely punished by urine-taking numpties.

    :thankyou:and:goodday:y'all.
     
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  16. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert News Alert

    Just in from our correspondent n the West Country. Rooters behind the game! Our hack reports that Rooters has fallen down the ratings in its own press room having completely missed the latest happenings concerning sheep and cheese. Rooters cannot sit back and watch its front pages being ignored by the masses because its news is out of date! Rooters wish to inform the world that a total reorganisation of its business is in progress. Staff have been let go, fired, retired, sack and transferred with no department spared from the first shake up of the business in days.

    New Editor in Chief, Jerome J. Jerome-Jerome said "we anticipate recapturing our market share within the next few minutes. We have despatched our pre-eminent hack, Howard Howard Howeird Isthat, to Cornwall and Devon and expect his report imminently."

    When asked why the new media were attaching such importance to the sheep and cheese story Mr Jerome replied, "Mutton is the cornerstone of our stomach and cheese is the topping. We cannot ignore an issue when such ignorance would undermine the very foundation of our lunch."

    More as we get it.

    Rooters Farming Industry Weekly (a new division of Rooters News Reinvented Nationwide Networks Agency agency)8-)
     
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  17. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Dateline 31.05.11 12.02am Breaking News

    Fenderman Knackered by Hectic Bank Holiday Monaco Grand Prix Weekend

    Following the unprecedented reorganisation of Rooters International, our intrepid reporters have been re-invigorated and re-energised. Unfortunately the same can't be said for Fenderman. Famous for his afro hairstyle, last worn in 1976 but still an iconic emblem today, Fenders, as he is known to his forum friends is fricked.

    Fenders says "It was going so well, I mean, there I was enjoying FP1 and FP2 replays - missed it live as I had to (please excuse the term) work, when I got carried away "talking" to people on the interweb." We asked Fenders what was wrong with that? "Nothing," he said "except that I've got the typing speed of a small rodent with it's feet trapped under a book. I'm knackered."

    Fenders went on to explain that this place he goes to on the interweb dissects issues to the Nth degree and that this challenges both mind, body and spirit. "Sometimes," he said "I'd have written something, hit the post button and then found someone else had said it already. It's a drag I didn't suss that at the start of the weekend otherwise I'd have done what I do now." And what's that we asked? " I keep my trap shut and hit the like buttons a lot. Then I write something no-one seems to be saying over and over again, too much. That seems to work and I'll see if I can keep that up next week."

    And there you have it. From the horses mouth, well Fendermans at least. We wonder if there is a lesson there?

    Rooters Entertainment News Ltd. (a division of The New Rooters News Newts People)8-)
     
  18. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Music Press Update: Osmosis Reunion Gig Cancelled.

    Lead singer Angel Sky Love Dancing-Socks has revealed following his statement that his "... only worry is that our fan base may be senile or dead..." says that he is to retire. This news comes as it transpired that the promoter known only as "BE" has fled to an unidentified safe haven amid claims of mismanagement and embezzlement.

    Angel told us "This bloke set it all up. We were going to start rehearsing next week. Blob's mum [Blob, alias Robert Treeroots, Osmosis last known drummer] told me he popped his clogs in '89 following a full English breakfast overdose. Then she say's Albie [Albert "No Hands" Cress, Osmosis guitar/backing vocals] went down in his cabin cruiser on the Grand Union Canal in 2001 and hasn't been heard of since."

    On hearing the news that bassman, Plonker Evans passed away in 2005, Dancing-Socks had a nervous breakdown that lasted a full six minutes. He told us "I'm not going through that again. Saw, what's her name, Geri, on the grid at Monaco last week so I'm off to Montreal for a long weekend and think about me options."

    Hammersmith Flyover refused to comment ... as it is a steel reinforced concrete structure with a tarmacadam surface and as such is an inanimate object incapable of even polite conversation.

    New Musical Expresso (a division of ......... yup Rooters) 8-)
     
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  19. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    ROFLROFLROFL8-)ROFL

    Hot Flush!!! Fenders responds to calls for him t change his name before his 2012 F1 debut. It has been suggested by his PR guru's that he might carry more weight appearing as Fendermando Afronso. Fenders has denied he ever said anything against his guru's and that relations with Pooters - sorry Rooters News - are anything but cordial and sweet. Like Tizer.

    Rooters .. thingummybob ...8-)
     
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  20. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Thanks for the inspiration, young gent:thumbsup:8-)

    On Another Story

    Rooters has learned of another conspiracy theory doing the rounds. It seems the Bridgerock, a tyre supplier that wants to break into F1 has teamed up with Good onYer Rubber Co. to undermine the sports forums and fanbase. Apparently they have done this surreptitiously by contaminating one of the chemicals supplied to Pirrolio tyres and used in their F1 compounds. The fumes given off by these tyres at race events seeps into the spectators who then become totally pre-occupied with tyres as a subject. Professor Monte Carlos told us "There may be some solid evidence to back this up. We have noticed that regardless of the original subject of a forum thread, it is not long before tyres overwhelm the discussion." When asked whether anything could be done to address the issue, if indeed there was one, he said, "Rubber has always fascinated human beings, particularly as there is a close relationship with hobbies such as spanking. It's human nature and possibly quite harmless. As long as it takes place in private".:s

    Rooters News8-)
     
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  21. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Dateline Loondon 03.06.11 Bahring Rain GP Update Rooters News the news behind the news

    Chad, our man in the bowels of the foreign office has rooted out the truth behind the UK Foreigners Official Departments (FOD) U-turn on travel directives to the troubled kingdom. A FOD spokedwheelperson told Chad "The government has every confidence that the situation in Bahring Rain has stabilised. The Bahring Rain government acted swiftly and wisely to employ all of the best tasty crowd control mechanisms that our "special exports" industry have been able to sell, I mean provide to, them". When asked about the Sordid Arabian connection Chad was told, "Our governent has no concerns about the Sordids. Their tanks and personnel carriers are a very pleasing and bright colour which reflects their most peaceful of purposes. Our "special exporters" can also supply those in a range of other attractive and crowd pleasing colours".

    Rooters Under The Radar News Agency (a division of RINA)8-)
     

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