Montezemelo's Revenge

The office at the top of Maranello tower. An Italian man in glasses enters the room, as his boss swivels around in his huge backed chair.

SD: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Ferrari! What was it you wanted, Stefano?
SD: A few things. First, we've noticed Mike Coughlan hanging around the bins again.
LdM: Give him one of our dossiers.
SD: That nearly didn't work last time, Luca, are you sure...?
LdM: If Williams are on the pace next year, the Place de la Concorde will find out about it.
SD: OK, second, Rob is getting irritated by the team strategy.
LdM: Tell him we can bring back Badoer if he's not happy.
SD: Do we really want to hamper our second car that much?
LdM: Quite frankly, Stefano, you need to hamper second cars more. Did you see that mess in Germany last year? It should not happen again. If I see that Brazilian fool ahead of Fernando again there will be trouble.
SD: Of course, sir.

They are interrupted by a small work-experience boy.

SWEB: Mr di Montezemelo, Ron Dennis was on the phone for you.
LdM: Did you take a message?
SWEB: Of course, sir.
LdM: What was the message?
SWEB: I have no idea, sir.
LdM: Tell him I'll return his correspondence forthwith.
SWEB: Of course, sir.

The boy leaves the room, almost colliding with a brash Yorkshireman holding a glass to the wall.

LdM: Was there anything else, Stefano?
SD: No, sir, everything is fine.
LdM: One more thing. Win us the Belgian Grand Prix.
SD: Yes, sir.
LdM: With Alonso
SD: Of course, sir.

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was on the phone to his sycophants Autosprint.

LdM: Well, photoshop would be useful I agree. I mean, surely there's something we can pin on Red Bull..... Hmmm.... I suppose traction control is banned, that'd be juicy.... you can photoshop it! Brilliant!.... Go ahead!... Any suitable pictures?

Yes.

Yes.

Interesting, you say? In what way? What do you mean you won't be needing Photoshop?

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: I thought you'd entered a punishment into the FIA's system?
SD: Sir, I don't understand it. I put in a 3 race ban and Constructors' Championship exclusion...
LdM: Well, what was that? No ban, no exclusion, just a far more idle Sam Bird.
SD: I don't know, sir, I really don't.
LdM: Does this mean the rumours are true? That the great Scuderia Ferrari have lost their influence over the FIA's disciplinary process, that the Independent Tribunal is at least quasi-independent, that we are not the only team above the law?
SD: It might be, sir.
LdM: Well, what next?
SD: I don't know.
LdM: I mean, I could threaten to pull out.
SD: Will that help?
LdM: No, but it does make me feel better, unless you have any other suggestions?
SD: We could get the Horse Whisperer to publish some total sh- Ah!
LdM: What?
SD: Sir, you know the account on the FIA website?
LdM: Yes?
SD: When was the last time we changed the password?
LdM: I don't know, is it relevant?
SD: I mean, was it recent?
LdM: How recent?
SD: Sometime before 2006?

Meanwhile in Brackley:

RB: You wanted to cut a deal with Bernie? You moron.
NL: Well, why shouldn't I? We didn't know what the outcome of the tribunal would be.
RB: Maybe you didn't, but I've been in this game for a long time; I've learned a few tricks.
NL: But...
RB: Whatever, Niki! So, Toto, who did you say Williams were planning on running in the young driver test? We'll need a load of blue and white paint, a brown envelope marked "Maldonado Repair Bill" and a reminder of how fast a car can go without an engine contract...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Ah, Stefano, you have an idea for changing the scope of the Young Drivers' Test again?
SD: Yeah, what if the FIA made it an Old Drivers' Test?
LdM: Meaning?
SD: Only those more than a certain number of race starts can enter!
LdM: Any numbers in mind?
SD: 205½
LdM: Ah, excluding Webber, then?
SD: Indeed, but including Fernando.
LdM: Your justification?
SD: "Only those with more than 205½ Grands Prix experience can hope to ensure the safety of the new tyres"
LdM: Sounds legit.
SD: Indeed.
LdM: So what are the 205½ club doing now?
SD: OK, Barrichello would probably run for someone, Mercedes are banned so Michael is probably out, Patrese - don't think anyone would go there, Trulli - what's the power steering like in modern F1?
LdM: It exists.
SD: Well, he won't be a reliable indicator, then. Coulthard will probably test the Red Bool, but I suppose that's better than Vettel driving it. Jenson's not a threat.

They both permitted themselves a chuckle. In Woking, Ron Dennis felt an unexplicable and involuntary shudder in his spinal regions.

SD: Giancarlo is ours, so we've got a back up. Berger might run for Toro Rosso, I suppose. De Cesaris - well, he had a huge repair bill when he had reactions! And then Fernando.
LdM: Well send the idea on to Jean then...

Two days later letter arrived from the FIA:

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: We have an issue to sort.
SD: What now?
LdM: Have you seen who has won the most races at Budapest?
SD: Well, it's McLaren, isn't it?
LdM: And who isn't second?
SD: Oh, dear, that's Williams.
LdM: Third. This will not do!
SD: OK!
LdM: Our tyres won't degrade!
SD: Right?
LdM: So we need it hot!
SD: Right?
LdM: So I called the Ferrari Department of Cartoonish Supervillany, and we have... HEAT!
SD: You're making the racetrack boiling!
LdM: Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?

Stay tuned...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: We're ahead of Lotus!
SD: Are we?
LdM: Yes! We're ahead of Lotus! Victory is within sight!
SD: Don't they have two cars?
LdM: Only in the same way that we have two cars...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: So, what went wrong with my masterpiece of a plan?
SD: It's difficult to be sure, but we believe that the car is not near the pace of Lotus or Red Bull.
LdM: Remind me who won the race...?
SD: Mercedes...
LdM: Since when have we been slower than them? On Sunday?
SD: The new tyres?
LdM: I'm sorry, I didn't realise that excuse was acceptable. We're not Force India! It was hot enough to bake Hamilton yet he still won. Not good enough. Move Fry somewhere else and bring in Allison.
SD: Will do, sir!
LdM: I mean, we try our best. We change the weather, get a slightly OTT punishment on to Grosjean, employ Massa to eliminate Rosberg, and for what? Who'd have thought Cartoonish Supervilliany wouldn't work? I couldn't be more depressed...

Luca was just about to be corrected...

FA: It's not good enough. I want to be a champion! I will be a champion. I cannot keep driving this load of crap. If you don't produce a half decent car, I'm off...

Meanwhile, in Milton Keynes...

HM: Who gave you permission to speak to Alonso?
CH: Yeah, no... I just wondered if Alonso might upset the hierarchy at Ferrari if he was given an option to go to Red Bull.
HM: You know the Red Bull Young Driver Program is here for a reason?
CH: Yeah... (whispering) No.
HM: Danny will be in our car, Horner. Don't forget it!
CH: Yeah, no... but it never hurts to upset our opponents, does it?
AN: Here are the designs for the nets, Christian!
CH: Yeah, no... you see, Helmut. Adrian here has designed a wonderfully aerodynamic dog catcher...

 

[teabagyokel]

FERRARI DRIVER RECRUITMENT 2014 - REPORT

PHONE CALL MADE FROM L. DI MONTEZEMELO TO K. RAIKKONEN

LdM: Hello!
KR: Hello!
LdM: You interested in coming back to Ferrari
KR: I don't give a shit who I drive for if I win.
LdM: Are we going to meet or what?
KR: Talk to my agent, I'm bored.

SEEMS UNUSUALLY INTERESTED IN POSITION - DID NOT HANG UP - MAINTAIN CONTACT.

 

[teabagyokel]

The librarian looked up. Di Montezemelo was browsing the Red Bookcase. Where held in 47 volumes was held the seminal work of the Ferrari lawyers' department, "A Complete Guide to Ferrari Company Policy".

LdM: Damn it!
Librarian: Sir, this is a library. Various engineers are studying!
LdM: Sorry! (whispering) I don't believe it Stefano. 47 volumes and not an appropriate policy.
SD: I thought we had a policy for everything, certainly when we signed Pedro we checked the "Appropriate Use of Company E-Mails" extremely thoroughly.
LdM: That's good, but do we not have a rule for this? Do I have to make one up?
SD: I don't see why it would be a problem, sir.
LdM: His attention could be distracted, Stefano. He is for the glory of the Scuderia Ferrari, for now.
SD: I think we should go with it...
LdM: OK.

Shouting had done Luca no good. The librarian liked his library quiet, which is why he did not point him to a scarcely used section of the library...

FA: Excuse, me, librarian.
Librarian: Ah, Fernando.
FA: Is there a policy on this matter?
Librarian: There is a neat little book by Enzo Himself on the issue, where he disagrees with your plans.
FA: But if He says...
Librarian: Di Montezemelo will never find "So Your Driver Wants To Buy A Professional Cycling Team - Screw That"; he doesn't know about the section of the library dedicated to Him.

 

[teabagyokel]

FERRARI DRIVER RECRUITMENT 2014 - REPORT

PHONE CALL MADE BY L. DI MONTEZEMELO TO P. DI RESTA

LdM: Hello.
PdR: I have been waiting for your call for a number of years, Mr. Di Montezemelo, and can I just say that I feel I am ready for the challenge of showing I can take on Alonso just as I did Vettel in Formula 3 Euro Series. I am impressed by your devotion to the Scuderia Ferrari team and I hope that I can repay the faith you obviously have, evidenced even by calling me.

HUNG UP - SOUNDS LIKE A STALKER

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Right, what are we going to do about this, Stefano?
SD: About what, sir?
LdM: About this "idiots" comment?
SD: Well, you were talking about signing Kimi, and he always says his team are idiots!
LdM: And he's right, but how can Fernando call our experts idiots, especially after working with the Enstone mob.
SD: Erm... maybe, the car's not been fast enough.
LdM: Well, whose job is it to get the car faster.

A door burst open...

FB: Well.... Luca, its his job, eh? Maybe you should give it to someone else, eh?
LdM: Maybe I should.
SD: Surely we must consider the future, Rory is here, we'll be great next year.
LdM: True.
FB: I've worked with Byrne. He's good. But not as important as Flavio, eh?
SD: Bullshit.
FB: That's my job, eh?
LdM: True.
SD: I don't think qualifying is that bad...
FB: Which is what Fernando said in his interview anyway, eh?
SD: We've just been beaten by the Red Bulls...
LdM: Are you forgetting someone?
FB: Yeah, Hulkenburg's not in a Red Bull, eh?
LdM: Look, we need a driver who is not going to call anyone else an idiot. Someone who is going to take full responsibility for his own failings.
FB: Yeah!

Suddenly, a dog ran through the door, sniffing out the Ferrari fridge.

LH: Frick, Roscoe, what are you dragging me in here for? I can control you about as well as that frickin' car around Parabolica? Man, I drove like an idiot today.

Luca looked at Flavio. Flavio ran to the press corps.

Two hours later...

LdM: How did Flavio's meeting with the journalists go?
SD: They think he's an idiot.
LdM: Brilliant! Make sure you give Hamilton's dog some treats!
SD: Will do!
LdM: That'll teach that fat buffoon to barge into our meetings. Now, where's that phone number I had earlier, I wanted to discuss driver contracts...
SD: I thought we'd sorted driver contracts?
LdM: We've sorted the number 2 car, lets just see if Bianchi and Alonso's contracts can be swapped...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: One thing mystifies me, Stefano.
SD: What is that, sir?
LdM: What are McLaren hoping to achieve by not renewing their driver's contracts?
SD: Well, I think they want to get the drivers to use a seat there as leverage for them negotiating more money with other teams.
LdM: You've been involved in driver negotiations, are we overpaying because McLaren have "free seats".
SD: One driver did discuss McLaren in his conversation.
LdM: Really? What did they say.
SD: "Stefano, I'm really sorry about last time. I never realised I had it so good here. My current team aren't bothering to pay me, and the other option is to go to McLaren, and they employ Sam Michael."
LdM: OK. And you really want to sign this driver?
SD: What harm can it do?
LdM: Well, so long as McLaren don't try to sign Fernando...
SD: Do you really think they'll do that.
LdM: We changed our tune on Kimi!

 

[teabagyokel]

Before the Singapore Grand Prix:

LdM: Well, as I say Fernando, we probably can't beat Vettel all year, but we can beat one Red Bull. If you can get your good mate Webber to do something that activates the third strike, he'll get a 10-place grid penalty, and the way he starts he could be out of the picture! That'd be really useful for the team...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: So, next year's calendar...!
SD: 22 races, sir.
LdM: We're Ferrari we can deal with that. But the movement in one week from Monaco to New Jersey will be challenging.
SD: Logistically a nightmare!
LdM: D'you think we're going to have to not take some things to Monaco?
SD: I think that'd be wise. There's not enough room for them anyway.
LdM: I'll see what we can stand to lose...

A long investigative process was done to find out what would go. All it needed was one phone call to confirm.

KR: No.
LdM: Surely, you will have one race without a personal choc ice supply.
KR: Where?
LdM: Monaco.
KR: Not cold enough.
LdM: The team really need this.
KR: No.
LdM: Come on, think about it!
KR: I'm going for a shit. [Hangs up].

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: 10 points! 10 points!
SD: Yeah, that's all Vettel needs to get.
LdM: That is not to what I was referring!
SD: Oh! Why, what are you referring to?
LdM: The humiliation of being beaten by Ross. A former red. A turncoat.
SD: And Lauda.
LdM: It's worse than I thought. So, we have a 10 point lead, what other advantages do we have?
SD: Fernando.
LdM: OK. Good. Any less outspoken assets?
SD: Mercedes do have a habit of making a mess of things. Falling back in the race, for example.
LdM: Yes. True. True.
SD: I wouldn't worry about it. We're not going to get beaten into 3rd by Mercedes.
LdM: What makes you so sure...?
SD: Have you seen Lotus' form?

Luca was not cheered.

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: I don't understand, Stefano.
SD: What, sir?
LdM: We screwed Massa's strategy right up, but my door is still intact.
SD: Oh, oh right...
LdM: Why is that?
SD: It was Smedley's call...
LdM: I see.

Luca's PA: Phone call, sir.
LdM: Who is it?
PA: It's Claire Williams, wants to know if you've got a warehouse full of office doors she could buy...

 

[teabagyokel]

The Ferrari Plan B protocol meeting was now an annual tradition. Senior members of the team headed into the meeting room to ensure contingency was adequate should anything happen to the drivers. On the walls were pictures of Luca Badoer, Mika Salo and Gianni Morbidelli, just in case.

LdM: So, Stefano, what are the risks to Ferrari for 2014?
SD: Well, we have identified two risks in addition to the usual driver injury concerns.
LdM: And those are?
SD: Kimi beating Fernando and Nando going all 2007 on us, and Kimi's performance dropping in tandem with his motivation.
LdM: What's our contingency this year then?
SD: Kamui.
LdM: Is that wise?
SD: Well, he's signed up for Ferrari, he's a former F1 driver, he'll be damn marketable in Japan, he's actually quite marketable everywhere because he's popular and he has got a podium and front row start to his name in F1.
LdM: So, in the first year after a massive rule change, we're planning, should anything happen to one of our drivers, to parachute a former Sauber journeyman on the basis of one front row start in Belgium and how popular it'd be in his home country?
SD: Yes.
LdM: We've been here before.
SD: Erm... when you put it like that!
LdM: So what's Plan 2007.
SD: Well, we've already got people ensuring they know exactly what Pedro is sending out of his e-mail account.
LdM: Good.
SD: And, anyway, we'll just threaten him with a McLaren contact, that ought to pacify him...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Progress on the 2014 car?
SD: Well, the drivers have put in a request to try to help the design along, sir.
LdM: What request?
SD: Erm... something to do with a smooth ride.
LdM: And they're of one accord?
SD: Yes, and our chiropractor has cleared his diary...

 

[teabagyokel]

siffert_fan - hat tip to you! FB - don't call the copyright lawyers, eh, there's a good egg?

SD: Sir, I didn't know that we had a veto over Bernie's successor...?
LdM: Indeed we do, Stefano, indeed we do!
SD: How did this happen?
LdM: You recall that I am a wonderful negotiator.
SD: Oh, yes.
LdM: I got exactly what I wanted out of Ecclestone...

At an unspecified time, decades earlier...

Deep inside the FOM bunker, a silver-haired billionaire was presiding over the completion of the confused look permanence chamber. A trembling minion interrupted him to bring him news of a visitor.

Minion: I bring You news of a visitor
BE: Ahem
Minion: Sorry, Your Holiness, I bring You news of a visitor.
BE: I will train you soon minion. Who is my visitor?
Minion: It is Luca di Montezemelo of Scuderia Ferrari, Sir.
BE: Cut the crap, I know who Luca is...
Minion: I believe he is demanding more power over F1.
BE: Show him in.

A suave Italian gentleman swaggered into the room.

LdM: What a pity it is, Bernie, that this is the last time we meet before we leave F1.
BE: Your usual greeting, Luca, I see. What do you want?
LdM: I was talking to Jean, our new team principal, lovely chap, and he reckons we don't have enough power in Formula One.
BE: What? This is ridiculous. I let you race. Todt has even used my personal toilet.
LdM: Apparently the height of it was extremely comfortable.
BE: What do you want?
LdM: We want to name your successor, and as a concession we will build a shitbox for Schumacher's first year, and you can chuck him out in the second.
BE: Deal.
LdM: But, Bernie..., wait, what?
BE: Yeah, I'm OK with that. And another title for Williams. Interesting, they'll have to pay for my generosity.

Luca left the winner. Bernie did not leave, safe in the knowledge He would never be succeeded. It was not possible for Him to die.

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Have you heard the latest quote? "Despite confrontational relations at the most recent confluence of our racing concern and the biomaton previously enumerated in decimal notation with 3, there is a high probability that the concern would welcome a reintegration process." What does he mean by that?
SD: The cheek!
LdM: No, seriously, what does he mean?
SD: Our Ronglish students reckon he is trying to resign either Alonso or Coulthard.
LdM: I will not be taking this insult. How can he try to talk a driver of the glories of the Scuderia into pomegranate smoothies?
SD: Supposedly their eyebrow waxers are the world's neatest, they coated the whole factory in weapons grade insect repellent, and John Button has a poker school that's taken thousands off Whitmarsh.
LdM: Well, I will offer him more. First, he could win the title. Second, red suits him.
SD: I'm not impressed so far, sir...
LdM:...and third, our IT guys still know how to hack into McLaren's e-mail system from Fernando's last little error...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Look, we're not doing it!
SD: They say we should be responsibly helping out with education...
LdM: This is not the way, Domenicali!
SD: Why?
LdM: "Learn your 7 times tables with Ferrari...", whatever next?
SD: Well...
LdM: And I'm never signing Gutierrez anyway!

EDIT: While this is not the 100th episode spectacular that you may have expected, it is still incumbent on the author to thank everyone who made Montezemelo's Revenge get this far.

Road of Bones - Thank you for the MTC stuff that inspired the idea of doing a similar series here.
Brogan - Thanks for including me in the Presents team on the basis of few episodes of this as I recall, and of course for reacting in the appropriate way when I gave this thread up...!
FB, McZiderRed, Fenderman - your columns have been inspirations too, and a highlight of the site for me.
RasputinLives, The Pits & Jen have also made a fair few posts on this site that have created the kindling of an idea for this column.

And also anyone who has ever liked a post on this thread. I wouldn't do it if I thought no-one enjoyed them!