Clip The Apex Presents...

(the lights dim and spotlights flow around the stage) Announcer: Please welcome to the stage the stars of this years F1 grid (all the drivers run on in pairs to thunderous applause) Annoucer: ....and please welcome your host Sebassstttiian Vetttteeeel! (Sebastian runs on to the stage in front of the line up of drivers) SV: Hey! Has anyone seen any of the other F1 drivers? Audience: There behind you! SV: Aren't they always? RINGADINGDING! (shows off the finger). Ladies and Gentlemen I'd like to welcome you to the first annual F1 Variety Show! and without further delay lets kick off the show with a musical number from the 3 Nic's! (Audience applaudes loudly as all the drivers run off stage and the lights are dimmed) (3 Spotlights...

This is Martian Bumble reporting live from the F1 paddock. As always I'm going to try my best to poke my nose into everyone's business, whether they like it or not. There's lots to talk about today considering the recent shenanigans between Versuseveryone and Peniz. Hey, there's Leak Stephensomeone who works for Bared Balls. Let's see if we can get a few words from him. So Leak, I heard a rumour that most people in the team think that Versuseveryone acted like a total **** last week. What makes them say that? Well, it's fairly obvious, isn't it? He's really not very well liked, apart from by Horny, who apparently has had a silicone model of one his body parts made. Hmm, well, that's disturbing ... I know, right! It's worse than...

To be read in a Geordie accent... Race 14 in the Big Brother F1 series. Sebastian finished first again in Sunday's Grand Prix challenge and is now immune from eviction. Jenson put in a late charge but was unable to stop the finger from rising once again. Rumours persist that his love affair with Martin is in trouble and he's making eyes at the old Italian team. Could he swap his English rose for a Latin temptress? Mark managed one of his best results but yet again had trouble pedalling his car away at the start. He's looking safe from eviction at the end of the season as his Austrian friend won't vote him out. Fernando looked very lonely and despite the hot weather still couldn't get his hards warm while his softs wore out too...